Silence

Silence …the deep silence of  the Heart

Do you often hear yourself? Do you recognize your own voice, your thoughts in the midst of silence?

Does silence talk to you? What does it say and what do you say?

A deep deep silence allows our heart to speak its emotion , our minds to recognize itself

from the maddening sounds that envelope us every second of our life!

Deep Silence ……deep sorrow….deep joy….deep sleep…..deep feelings….

From Chauffeur to Referee

The good  Husband,  the  misunderstood  Son

Life has given me so  much ..it has given me a good ,very good husband……a matter-of-factly son!!! And  life is a roller coaster  ride!!

Every time we talk I feel I will be a referee any second now!! The husband feels deeply, plays and loves passionately, the son ,  sees objectively and says things coldly…

Intense feelings  compared  to objectivity….so near  and yet  just as opposite…I am caught between   …trapped with my roles as wife and mommy!

Cannot  openly side with anybody and yet cannot remain neutral  long enough to diffuse the tension……..two mountains both  trying to head butt each other…I am caught in a crossfire … 

He is a conservative , old schooled dad…. He , a cool dude in a hurry to grow up yet still my baby J I am the mommy after all. 

He spoils the boy  expecting that his control over  the “kid” is airtight…  he takes advantage of the Dad and gets what he wants and expresses no  gratitude but the occasional kisses and hugs when he gets  what he want!

The n he gets angry , the other guy ?  he gets confused why his dad is angry! And I am caught in between , I can not breath  ……..i scream ..i cry…I curse…I die..or shall I say , I almost  always die every time!!!

Well , life gets interesting everyday,  tonight I am the telephone operator at the end of two lines.. o more aptly a translator lost in translation!! Caught again in between their own  issues…….their issues makes all my issues come to surface and life goes on….. an emotional tumble….but life goes on and I survive to referee for another day! Such  are the roles I juggle every day…but wait, , that’s not all…wait till you hear about my daughter!

Well, maybe next time……meanwhile I will have fun with the husband!!!

Treasures…of the material kind

Each of us dreams of making it big someday not only because of the honor but I think because of the economic benefit

It will accord to anybody becoming successful. Of course people will tell you , that success not only means you have money

and that having money does not mean you are already successful.

But one of the measures of being successful is by having money and no matter how some people tell you it is not, I guess

our culture, or the culture I have been bought up equates money with success. And I do not blame them.

Money will buy you things, materials things that we so desire , that we have dreamt of having for ourselves, of buying for

our parents, kids , brothers or even friends. I am not sure if it can buy happiness but to a certain level, maybe it can, no

matter how fleeting that happiness is.

Money will buy me the jewelries I love, money will afford me the travels I can only dream of…..it will bring me to different places

to meet and form new friendships .  Financial freedom to a certain extent will give us the peace of mind that when something

goes wrong , our pockets have enough to meet the day to day needs of our family and maybe some of the wants of the children.

That when our health fails us, we have something to pay for our medical expenses or maybe for our funeral expenses, that our

Families will not be so much as hard put if we don’t have the money.

In reality financial freedom takes a lot of burden away from our lives. And  not being saddled with financial burdens is a form

of success.  Money whether we like it or not, whether we believe it or not makes our relationships so much easier to handle!

It is nice not having to worry where your next meal is coming from or whether your kids will continue to go to school next sem.

It is nice to have the real bling bling, the real designer bags…it is so much nicer if we can once in a while give our family the

“wants” that they may have without having to borrow, steal or pretend. These in a way improve the quality of our lives, money  

takes away so much pressure in our daily lives.

This is not to say though that money is everything because it is not. Money is our tool , we use money to improve our lives and

the lives of people around us. This is where  the difference lies …..when people forget how to use the material treasures given

to them. When they use money to make the lives of people miserable, then money does not equate success…..and it no longer

qualifies as a treasure.

So who says that those who have money are not successful? I don’t because they are  ! Happiness, on the other hand  is

an all together different matter!

Waiting

Waiting….

Have you ever computed the time , the hours you have spent waiting for someone, something to arrive?

In retrospect, have you ever seen or felt how long you have waited for something to happen the way we

want them to?  I have never ! But come to think of it, each day , waiting is an integral part of our

everyday living? Who has not waited one way or another? Who has not stood waiting , as if having

all the time in the world?

waiting…waiting…waiting and yet time is gold we have been told? So if time is gold, why do we wait?

why do we pause , wait and stand still for somebody, something , some dream?

Our Snowie..

It saddens me that I am writing this piece for our Snowie...Snowie is our beloved dog!!! Our Baby ...our  bunso and our favourite...

He is the favorite of all and nobody gets jealous , not at all, when we all say that he is our favourite!!! because He is!

Snowie is Kiko's pet, a gift from a family friend (from whom we have  parted ways since)   when Kiko celebrated his 7th Bday!  The giver has since vanished from our lives but Snowie remained a part of the family .  Kiko is now 17 years old!

You might be wondering what is making me sad writing this piece.  Lately Snowie has been getting sick  more often. But the problem is that he does not want any vet to touch him! He barks, bites and charges at any vet getting close to him. Good thing we have found several vets who have been good to him .

Snowie's health according to the vet is still very good for his age but he really is now prone to diseases because of his age. We miss the Snowie who can jump high , now we have to carry him so he can lay in our bed. These days he limps  and just sleeps all day ! His vet has visited him several times and does not want to sedate to vaccinate , groom him since he is quite old now.

Now only Kiko can give him a bath .....he takes his bath once a week usually on Sundays when Kiko is at home....

We love our Snowie ,  we have been told that we have spoiled him ! But he has been our joy ...yes he sleep with the either Nikita or Kiko's room , on their bed . He shuttles from room to room , he will sleep in Nikita's room when he wants to or inside Kiko's room any night he wants to... he will wake p in the middle of the night and go to to the next room and the teens would gladly open the door, no matter they are sleeping!!!

And now Snowie no longer eats dog food! Manang cooks for him adobo, liver, liempo , he is allergic to hotdogs and chicken.....

Snowie is such a sweet dog, the first few weeks after Kiko left to live in his dorm , we saw him every night for a week or so , sleeping on Kiko's bed...he missed Kiko  so much that every night he enters his room and seemingly waits for Kiko. Then he would knock either on our door or Nikita's!!! He seemed depressed, he was lonely! Now when Kiko is at home, he stays with Kiko , following him around the house ..

I am saddened because I feel Snowie has weakened considerably.....the spunk is fading...no longer does he bark and charges except when a vet is near......I remember the fierce Snowie who will bite anybody even Tops when one enters Kiko or Nikita's room when they are asleep...... he growls still but is no longer quick to charge or bite....oh but he still bites if provoked enough .....but it takes a lot from him...makes him so tired afterwards.

And oh yes, he snores loudly now, he makes whizzing sounds and just sleep almost all day.....he is beside me now while Tops gets his massage..sleeping soundly...today Kiko left early and was not able to bathe him ......

I am afraid that Snowie will not be with us long....makes me cry ..tomorrow the vet will check him , he has some wounds on his feet and a few on his face.......our baby has grown old.... but he is our baby... we hope to have him with us a few more years ....if we can borrow the years to have our baby with us longer, I think I would but not if he is in pain......

When the time comes to say goodbye to our Baby ..........he will be wagging is tail and nozzling our faces.....but for now we are enjoying our borrowed time with him.....and hoping that time will not come soon.....

We love our Snowie so...

Of Husbands......of marriage...of children

Life gives us surprises , pleasant and unpleasant! Finding someone to share one's life is one of the surprises rather wishes everybody prays for.... And finding that one is not easy , more so finding someone who treats you well, loves you , takes care of you and generally wants to make you happy!

Husbands are a blessing! They should be ! But what if you find that someone and finds out that he is not a blessing? He might be that someone  and yet he is not good to you, not good for you? And how do you know?  How does one know if he will be good to you , if he will love you , maybe not forever , but as long as he is with you?

I have been married for 20 years, happily married and everyday I thank the LORD for this blessing, for the blessing of a husband who has treated me well, maybe more than I deserve to be treated ! I am one of those "spoiled" wives, whose husband  is so patient , so thoughtful and kind.

I am one of those women who is really hard to live with! I have mood swings, I am proud and just hard to be with! I have my faults but he has put up with me for 20 years! But of course I also have my endearing moments !

The journey of our lives together has been wonderful! Full of moments that we will cherished for a longggggggg longggggg time.  Of course not all are happy , there are so much difficulties but knowing you have a partner who has committed to walk that difficult path with you helps. Lucky me, I have found him.....

Our marriage have been an exhilarating ride , with its ups and downs and plateaus ! But life has been kind and generous to us! Our kids err teens are growing up fast and we are probably on our way to that empty nest level and looking forward to having each other for ourselves again! Having teens are both a blessing and a boon but our kids have been a blessing also and though no matter how much we want our kids to stay as kids, time flies soon enough and we have accepted the fact that they are not here to stay . They will find their own world, their own families .....and we shall be looking forward to having our weekends with them and our weekdays on our own. But for now that has not come yet and we relish our moments together!

Marriage is not a walk in the park , it requires hard work, love, patience and commitment ! We have found that commitment has carried our marriage so many times. I can not recall how many times I have given up but his steadfast commitment to this marriage has seen us through.  Of course commitment comes from a deep love, shared faith on the Almighty ! We may not be church going people but our faith is steady ! In times of deep joy and deep sorrow, the LORD occupies the central place in this partnership!!

Being married has given us so much joy, so much to be thankful for.....and we are creating memories to last our lifetime..... My prayer is that the memories, the love we share today continue on as we grow old  and may we grow old together!!!! In the meantime, I thank the universe for the blessing of a wonderful husband, a wonderful life , an awesome daughter and son ( and mind you raising children to kids to teens is no small feat) and for the life to come and to share some more!!!

The Vanishing Breed of Pandesal Vendors

The Vanishing Breed of Pandesal Vendors

They used to wake me up  so early in the morning, that all too familiar sound ! They used to go around the streets, our house ,either by bike or just by walking carrying their box , carboard box we call them. .containing the  still hot pandesal they are selling! I marble how they kept them hot and fresh while going around the town?

Early morning without fail, they wake me up, pandeeeeeeeeeeesssssssalllll! Those were the days of the box carrying pandesal vendors back in the province … And then some when I married and settled in Cavite. We call them out to  buy  10 peso worth of pandesal off the street, wrapped in brown home made paper called… hmm I cannot remember  supot?…. But  now, this breed is slowly vanishing, seldom do I get ‘wakened  by that not so familiar sound  anymore, not anymore. Once in a while if I get lucky, I hear them , I hear the sound. See a face of a young , very young man selling pandesal very early in the morning, eking out a living in such a young age…but also carving a character that will serve him well when he grows up.

I wonder if I contributed to this breed’s  vanishing ….modernization , albeit advertising  has turned us into phobic creatures.  The box maybe be dirty and contaminated  , the vendor maybe sick. So I started buying  our pandesal  from “branded” shops , where there is quality control and the whole bunch of what have you! Well, yes, we, I have  become paranoid, obsessive even, especially about what my kids will be eating…. Well , maybe this is the price we pay for the overrated modernization….sophistication…Or maybe information! 

During the height of the days of the pandesal vendors, I did not think that the pandesal I eat every morning is dirty nor the vendors sick….. or maybe I was just naïve and un informed….ha ha ha and lucky I did not get sick!

But I miss those days, when I could not care less about dirty pandesal , sick vendors……I think this comes with age, ha ha ha and may be  because these days I am more aware, more conscious of my suroundings because I have the time….I am on a leave of absence under the Magna Carta for Women!! So this is a paid leave, ha ha ha…..

And I wonder some more…where are the then  young pandesal vendors now?

-080212-

Wingdings

Hello there Stranger? It has been how many months since I visited? Well , fours months or so?

What happened? Well, life happened, busy and lazy life happened! The news that the museum is closing (which by the way until now , has not happened) , my operation (total hysterectomy) and hospital confinement and my subsequent Magna Carta leave for women! Meaning I am on a leave of absence for 2 months ! Paid leave! Wow! And  did not get the chance to write? A bigger wow!!! Then the leaving of my son to study in Ateneo and living in a dorm !  So much have happened and yet!!!

First of all , I was so frustrated, I had the chance to write several which I lost when my connection got cut off without having uploaded the same! A few works lost , hu hu hu! Then another was lost when we changed our broadband provider , from PLDTs We Roam to Globe Tattoo! wow, what a piece of expensive useless thing , that Globe Tattoo! Until now we can not use it and Globe would not change it We paid P3,995 for that @?&*!!!! Then to Skycable Wi-Fi! Beautiful!!! Then when I have the connection and remembered I have a laptop, the laptop wont work! And I had to content myself with using my mobile phone with its so tiny tiny keyboard ha ha ha!!!

The more than 1 month rests was a haze, I am only now realizing that I have practically wasted more than a month of my leave watching TV, eating , sleeping! Whoa but I supposed that was exactly I what  had to do, rest!!! And not think?  Well, the 2 months is almost up, I will soon be back at the Office and I feel the 2 months have been wasted ..though according to my husband and my doctor, those days were not wasted since I got to rest! Well , that has been my life for almost 2 months!!!  RESTING!!! and now I have mixed feelings, during those days of resting I was bored to death and now I seem to be torn ! Half wanting to go back and half wanting to rest some more!!! Or maybe this is also fear, fear that  I am not ready again ? Fear of not being capable again?

But I need to feel useful again !oh, oh oh, no I need to feel more productive again, earning my keep, waking up early to prepare to go the office and just being abreast with what is happening in the company!!!

Life has been kind and generous with me  and I am sure I am being blessed right now and through out my life will all the things I need and want ! Maybe I am just craving for some adventure , some excitement !!!! This might explain these mixed feelings!!!!! I just might need to get back to the saddle and enjoy the ride!!!

Come ride with me and let us live our lives to the fullest ! Let us discover another world, another dimension of ourselves and get to another level of happiness and satisfaction!!! Let us FLY, errr , let us SOAR!!!

Spread our wings!!!!!

Sigghhhh, check out my mood swings, ha ha ha and maybe  this is just my hormones or the lack of it!!!