I often wonder where
has life taken me? Where will it take me in the future? What has happened to
me?
I sometimes compare my life
with my friends, childhood friends who have gone on living in my hometown, to those who have gone
to the big cities .
I compare my life situation with my other set of friends
from college to my friends from exchange programs , those who have built bigger
names , richer finances, better
situations and maybe a more sophisticated and more complex lives?
How do I fare?
I have always believe that life has been so generous and
kind to me, having experience life abroad, having an international set of
friends , a wonderful husband and two adult children who I am proud of…..I have
a good job that provides me with all the
things I need, maybe not all the things I want …a husband who works hard to
give me the things I want … I am contented , in a way , to be able to send my
kids to excellent schools here in the Philippines and give them a semblance of a comfortable life…yes, our life is
comfortable ,we are able to buy some of the things we want and buy all the
things we need. We are not rich but somehow we are able to attain that level of
contentment, that level of living a good life, financially and emotionally….at
least as far as my standards are concerned…..
But lately , I must admit that discontent has slowly crept
in……I am still thankful for all the
things I have , but I crave for more , more then I usually do….I am afraid that
my comparison with my friends are taking me to a dangerous road…..to a road
tethering on being bitter for the things
I no longer have …? I am afraid ….afraid
and envious for the things I am not able to do,
do reach ….
My life circumstances has changed a bit, such a small change
to cause such a big insecurity….I ought to consider this change a wee bit of a little
step backward , but I am feeling so much
more afraid than I should be…….
Do I over think? Over anticipate as my son would say? Where
is this fear coming from?
I suspect I am in the middle of a mid-life crisis…changes
are overwhelming me, my sense of stability, my sense of being me….maybe I am
just having a moment…? perhaps being afraid is just normal at this stage.. perhaps my mind is playing
tricks on me and my hormones are kicking in those blues …..
But all is well, all
is restored when I realize ….
My father in heaven is much much more sufficient , I have
long anchored my sense of stability in HIM, HIM who watches over me….
Oooppsss, seems my
“melancholic episode” has passed J
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